Personal loss

I am feeling very numb at the moment. And sick to my stomach. And .... ::deep breath:::... This afternoon my sister and I took our mom out to the hospital because she was having trouble with pain all over and blurred vision and had thought she had suffered a heart attack... at the hospital the doctors confirmed not only was she having a heart attack, but she was having a very major one and repeated heart attacks. They did what they could for her at the local hospital, then airlifted her from here to Providence in Anchorage and .... her heart was not strong enough was what the doctor told us. She died en route and they tried CPR and everything but....

I'm currently in the survival mode I guess, where I know everyone needs me to be strong for them and I have to get things done. It is something that me and mom had talked about often, that, like her, I am the strong one. I am the survivor that can find a way to survive whatever happens. Right now I wish I was the weak one, the one that can curl up and cry her heart out, but I am leaving that to my siblings and I am being strong. I have been going through papers and stuff, I know I have to cancel her car insurance and I know that she did not have anything like life insurance or anything like that... at least not that I know about. I'm still sorting through her safe to see if she had something she had not told me about.

We're working to get her other daughter up here, who lives in Washington. I spent the afternoon talking to doctors and getting the admitting stuff at hospitals and talking to the chaplain about funeral homes and ... gawd... I'm so mentally fried out at the moment that I just don't know what I'm needing to do, but I can't sleep so here I am online doing what helps best for me - writing. This post is rambling though, so I'll close it and move on to finding other things to write about.

I love you mom. And I'll take care of everyone, I promise. Not sure how, but I'll find a way.