Friday, September 21, 2012

What do I do?

I sit here today and I stare at the computer and out the window and I wonder... what do I do? I have fought so hard and long to keep my home, but... what do I do? Am I fighting a battle that is already lost? or is there still some hope of keeping my home? I don't know. I feel like I could fall back into blackness once again if I blink my eyes for too long.

I stopped today and asked myself if it was actually worth all of the stress and bills I am being buried under and the endless dead ends I have hit to save the house from foreclosure.

I started to write this post with the intention of asking "what should I do?" but... then I heard the dog bark outside and went to see what she barked at and looked out the door. I scanned the yard I have had no time to enjoy this summer because I have been too stressed out or too busy trying to save my home and I realized what I am fighting for. I realized that yes, it IS worth fighting for, it is worth whatever expenses I have to incur to save it. I want to keep my home... I just don't know if I can. Things are in a bad position right now and I am staring at a mess that built up over the course of a couple of years of thinking I was making headway then having to start over, again and again.

If I only knew then what I know now, but I trusted the banks were going to work with me and it lead me in the wrong directions too many times and I am now out of trail and staring at the crumbling bridge I need to cross. Will I make it to the other side... or will I end up in the torrential river far below and swept who knows where?

I don't know, but what I do know is this is worth fighting for and I am going to keep fighting for my home.